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Where there is fear there is no love

As every love story goes, the beginning is pure bliss.  The lover can do no wrong.  Debroah Adele beautifully writes, “falling in love leaves no room for the violence of expectations and judgments, it is free for delight joy and spontaneity.  And everyone around the lover also feels the love.”   This is true, every person that came into contact with the two of us said we perfect together, even my very best friend came to visit and could see how madly in love we were with each other just by the way we looked into each others eyes.  His friends were always amazed and so surprised of how much we were alike and enjoyed the same things.  Hiking, art, riding bikes, music/dancing, playing chess…
It was just us completely in love, for who we were.
Mr. Romeo was very polite in the beginning, not forcing sexual behaviors on me like most other men.  He would tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to be with me.  My favorite time of hearing him call me his girlfriend was to a man on the phone… He was getting help with some support/customer service rep and he simply said my girlfriend is so awesome, this was right after I had come running around the corner and jumping at him embracing him with a huge hug, being completely me, full of love with no fear present at all. He gave me confidence.  As the relationship grew I was still drinking as he was too, but my addiction to cocaine faded.  I didn’t want to be high when I was with him.  Paired with my cocaine use was an eating disorder (the root cause of many of my old behaviors) Some serious self hate, wouldn’t you say?  I did coke to make me not want to eat, to lose weight…Thankfully these two faded on the surface, because I now had another outside source filling me up…Mr Romeo.
As time went on and my addictions shifted things began to change.  Like any addiction or anything that we cling to, in the end it becomes an expectation of fulfillment and a maintenance problem.  When Mr. Romeo couldn’t meet my needy expectations, mutiny was on the bounty.  Anger, jealousy, confusion and ultimately conflict were what laid in front of us.

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