Sent From The Past

Archive for the ‘Love’ Category

As every love story goes, the beginning is pure bliss.  The lover can do no wrong.  Debroah Adele beautifully writes, “falling in love leaves no room for the violence of expectations and judgments, it is free for delight joy and spontaneity.  And everyone around the lover also feels the love.”   This is true, every person that came into contact with the two of us said we perfect together, even my very best friend came to visit and could see how madly in love we were with each other just by the way we looked into each others eyes.  His friends were always amazed and so surprised of how much we were alike and enjoyed the same things.  Hiking, art, riding bikes, music/dancing, playing chess…
It was just us completely in love, for who we were.
Mr. Romeo was very polite in the beginning, not forcing sexual behaviors on me like most other men.  He would tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to be with me.  My favorite time of hearing him call me his girlfriend was to a man on the phone… He was getting help with some support/customer service rep and he simply said my girlfriend is so awesome, this was right after I had come running around the corner and jumping at him embracing him with a huge hug, being completely me, full of love with no fear present at all. He gave me confidence.  As the relationship grew I was still drinking as he was too, but my addiction to cocaine faded.  I didn’t want to be high when I was with him.  Paired with my cocaine use was an eating disorder (the root cause of many of my old behaviors) Some serious self hate, wouldn’t you say?  I did coke to make me not want to eat, to lose weight…Thankfully these two faded on the surface, because I now had another outside source filling me up…Mr Romeo.
As time went on and my addictions shifted things began to change.  Like any addiction or anything that we cling to, in the end it becomes an expectation of fulfillment and a maintenance problem.  When Mr. Romeo couldn’t meet my needy expectations, mutiny was on the bounty.  Anger, jealousy, confusion and ultimately conflict were what laid in front of us.

So it is true that you have to love yourself before anyone else will, right?
Well I guess you could say I believe this, but I have a little different spin on this idea.
I believe at the age of 22 I met my dream man, and I definitely did not love myself.  I cannot
speak for him but I do feel and believe that we were two lost souls brought together by the tides of life on that summer day July 3 2006.

The morning before meeting this Mr. Romeo (dream man) I had pretty much done what I was
great at, and that was guzzling vodka, if there were some cocaine I would have done that too.
Because it was the day before the fourth in San Diego, everyone was going to the beach for
all day drinking and fun, and my roommate and I were for sure going to be there too.

We left the house strapped with booze and headed for the beach…As we walked the boardwalk I noticed a
good looking man, so good looking, I even said out loud to my boy roommate,” wow he is cute, who is that??”
My roommates response was, “I am not sure, but he appears to be with the group we are meeting.”  So I am sure you will find out.
Walking through the sand we arrive to the tent drop our bags, and he comes to me,with his hand out and states  “Hi, my name is…. (giving me his first and LAST.)

Yep, that is when two Scorpios were brought together at the ocean.  I’ll let you imagine what happened that day because I really couldn’t tell you because as drinking was my first best thing, blacking out was my second best.  As the time rolls on we were lucky enough to come together again and begin what I call a LOVE vs CONFLICT relationship.

A boy and  A girl, Love and Conflict, Change and Growth, Patience and Time…

The past 5 year have been the most challenging years of my life.  Physically, mentally, and emotionally…There has been a relationship that has deeply effected my core.   A boy/man who I have seen every range of emotion with, questioned life in many different perspectives (still being my own), confused myself, cried myself to sleep night after night, loved deeper than I knew possible, feared and hated with rage and anger, felt vulnerable, alone, lost, filled with comfort and support….and have flat out had to go deep inside myself to find out what is going on with ME.

I have heard and do believe that ninety-nine percent of what bothers you is about you.  Ninety-nine percent of what bothers others has nothing to do with you.  So with in this last year with patience, time, and growth I have been able to look at how I may have turned this statement around, blaming others for my own problems and am now taking responsibility for my own problems and letting others take care of their OWN.  AS far as the relationship with the boy/man (aka dream man) that has been a constant struggle of learning the difference between love and conflict goes…. I have no idea where the relationship  may lead nor do I longer worry.  I have found a greater relationship, a connection within myself that I have been able to witness and watch grow. My relationship with myself,  loving myself without judgment and without fear.  Each day is a new experience and progress in understanding and embracing self-love.

“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.”

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