I worked at a coffee shop in little Old Town. I loved working here, I love talking to people, serving others and meeting new people. Not to mention this job gave me a lot of free time to do whatever I wanted…reading (this was the start of my deep desire to read A LOT), art work, writing, using my computer to email…and lets not forget I even used drugs and drank while on the job. Since Mr. Romeo was taking the summer off from work, he also had a lot of free time which allowed us to develop a pretty deep internet connection. Our emails discussed deep topics…Intellectual and stimulating to me. I became so in love with his insight and his great ability to understand me. My dream man was resourceful and wise, he kept me busy and he inspired me.
I am pretty big believer in the sun signs…If you are unfamiliar let me explain, 2 Scorpios united can be incredible or disaster. Scorpions are know to be the most intense of the signs, fierce and fiery. The tail is filled with venom and used when feeling attacked. Astrologically the scorpion is comprised of opposites they are conservative but desire change, they are independent but also clinging. The romantic trick for a scorpion couple is to allow for these inner opposites to become attracted carefully avoiding those instances when both scorpions are stubbornly fixed at the same extreme. Well let me say there is not to much romance when there is heavy amounts of alcohol used. Life was about me and I was stubborn I didn’t see his feelings, and I didn’t know how to feel mine. I used everything I could to push my feelings away from me, but I expected him to understand my every thought and emotion because I began to cling to this idea that he was the only one that understood me. Instead of being honest and straight forward with my communication I became conflicted creating a space for confusion, contortion of emotion and lies based in fear.
As you can imagine the arguments began after I started needing my unrealistic expectations filled. Mr. Perfect and I laid in bed together many times completely entranced with each other, just talking stories…stories of our past, our relationships, hopes and dreams, desires, how we feel about ourselves and on and on. There was this one time in bed that I still haven’t forgotten. As we were talking he looked over to me and said you know it is so awesome we haven’t argued about anything…This was about 3 months into our relationship. Soon after arguments arose, distrust reared its ugly head and the thinking mind gave into negative thoughts. The first incident I can remember of me falling prey to fear and over reacting, creating an unneeded situation.
Mr Romeo went to play poker with his friends, because I was in bed passed out… So when I woke up, I was upset because for one I was confused about where I was and why I was alone. I was upset because he was not laying with me. I was scared I was just left there used. I went out to get a drink of water as I overheard him telling his friends, ” I don’t even know why I am out here, I have a beautiful woman in my bed.” It was sweet
But, still on the way back to the room I had decided he was just saying that and I needed to leave. He was going to abandon me anyway, I need to leave now. He stopped me and convinced to me to stay, things were better by morning.
As every love story goes, the beginning is pure bliss. The lover can do no wrong. Debroah Adele beautifully writes, “falling in love leaves no room for the violence of expectations and judgments, it is free for delight joy and spontaneity. And everyone around the lover also feels the love.” This is true, every person that came into contact with the two of us said we perfect together, even my very best friend came to visit and could see how madly in love we were with each other just by the way we looked into each others eyes. His friends were always amazed and so surprised of how much we were alike and enjoyed the same things. Hiking, art, riding bikes, music/dancing, playing chess…
It was just us completely in love, for who we were.
Mr. Romeo was very polite in the beginning, not forcing sexual behaviors on me like most other men. He would tell me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to be with me. My favorite time of hearing him call me his girlfriend was to a man on the phone… He was getting help with some support/customer service rep and he simply said my girlfriend is so awesome, this was right after I had come running around the corner and jumping at him embracing him with a huge hug, being completely me, full of love with no fear present at all. He gave me confidence. As the relationship grew I was still drinking as he was too, but my addiction to cocaine faded. I didn’t want to be high when I was with him. Paired with my cocaine use was an eating disorder (the root cause of many of my old behaviors) Some serious self hate, wouldn’t you say? I did coke to make me not want to eat, to lose weight…Thankfully these two faded on the surface, because I now had another outside source filling me up…Mr Romeo.
As time went on and my addictions shifted things began to change. Like any addiction or anything that we cling to, in the end it becomes an expectation of fulfillment and a maintenance problem. When Mr. Romeo couldn’t meet my needy expectations, mutiny was on the bounty. Anger, jealousy, confusion and ultimately conflict were what laid in front of us.
So it is true that you have to love yourself before anyone else will, right?
Well I guess you could say I believe this, but I have a little different spin on this idea.
I believe at the age of 22 I met my dream man, and I definitely did not love myself. I cannot
speak for him but I do feel and believe that we were two lost souls brought together by the tides of life on that summer day July 3 2006.
The morning before meeting this Mr. Romeo (dream man) I had pretty much done what I was
great at, and that was guzzling vodka, if there were some cocaine I would have done that too.
Because it was the day before the fourth in San Diego, everyone was going to the beach for
all day drinking and fun, and my roommate and I were for sure going to be there too.
We left the house strapped with booze and headed for the beach…As we walked the boardwalk I noticed a
good looking man, so good looking, I even said out loud to my boy roommate,” wow he is cute, who is that??”
My roommates response was, “I am not sure, but he appears to be with the group we are meeting.” So I am sure you will find out.
Walking through the sand we arrive to the tent drop our bags, and he comes to me,with his hand out and states “Hi, my name is…. (giving me his first and LAST.)
Yep, that is when two Scorpios were brought together at the ocean. I’ll let you imagine what happened that day because I really couldn’t tell you because as drinking was my first best thing, blacking out was my second best. As the time rolls on we were lucky enough to come together again and begin what I call a LOVE vs CONFLICT relationship.
A boy and A girl, Love and Conflict, Change and Growth, Patience and Time…
The past 5 year have been the most challenging years of my life. Physically, mentally, and emotionally…There has been a relationship that has deeply effected my core. A boy/man who I have seen every range of emotion with, questioned life in many different perspectives (still being my own), confused myself, cried myself to sleep night after night, loved deeper than I knew possible, feared and hated with rage and anger, felt vulnerable, alone, lost, filled with comfort and support….and have flat out had to go deep inside myself to find out what is going on with ME.
I have heard and do believe that ninety-nine percent of what bothers you is about you. Ninety-nine percent of what bothers others has nothing to do with you. So with in this last year with patience, time, and growth I have been able to look at how I may have turned this statement around, blaming others for my own problems and am now taking responsibility for my own problems and letting others take care of their OWN. AS far as the relationship with the boy/man (aka dream man) that has been a constant struggle of learning the difference between love and conflict goes…. I have no idea where the relationship may lead nor do I longer worry. I have found a greater relationship, a connection within myself that I have been able to witness and watch grow. My relationship with myself, loving myself without judgment and without fear. Each day is a new experience and progress in understanding and embracing self-love.
Cute Dog Competition
Look how cute Mesoh is! Don’t you think that addorable face deserves a vote?
I have always been unsure of what breed she is. I should say “what mix”. She is a rescued pup. She was found only a few weeks old near a dead coyote mother. Some say that she could possibly be part coyote. Dogote? Coy dog? I have heard lab – shephard mix. Who knows? All I do know is that she definitely deserves a vote!
Click here if you think Mesoh is cute.
UPDATE: Links removed due to contest being over.
Yes, this dog is on a swing set and enjoying herself. Wow! Most dogs I know would have jumped out immediately. ha! Towards the end you can hear the dude mention that the dog is now holding on to the swing.
Apparently, she has been doing this for about 4 years and absolutely loves it!